i've been thinking a lot lately. (which is not really something i actively do. =P i leave that to eric...he thinks enough for the whole family.) in a nutshell, it comes down to: i believe in God, and i believe that He works everything out to work in your favor. whether working it out in your favor means now or later, in the end, it's for your own good. good, not bad.

eric and i found out on june 4 that isaiah was going to be a big brother. whoa. !! semi-planned...we kind of wanted to wait until after our trip to the philippines, but whatever, it didn't really matter to us. this is exciting! isaiah, a big brother! he doesn't know anything except how to blow spit and he's gonna be a big brother! this was definitely different than finding out about being pregnant the first time. with isaiah, we were both freaked out, a little scared (at least i was), and not quite ready (but, you know, were ready since we had to be). initially, i had to dig beneath the fear and anxiety to uncover my happiness. (don't get me wrong, i was happy.) anyways...this time, it's a whole new ball game. we're ready. we are seasoned pros having done this before. AND this coincides with madeleine and gary's baby boy to come...instant best buddies! so much to look forward to...

the obstetrician makes you wait until you're at least 8 weeks along before your first appointment. my first appointment was on july 8. all the nurses were like "you're here again, ALREADY?!" whatever. they love us. they were happy to see us. i find out that i get to have an early ultrasound. yess!! we get to see the baby (normally you have to wait until your 20th week). so we go on july 14. i was 11 weeks.

*side note: i wanted to wait to tell people about this baby. partly because i wanted our new situation to really settle in my mind and i also wanted to put some good thought into adjusting my immediate future plans to include pregnancy and a new baby, and partly because i quite honestly didn't want to deal with the "already?!", "are you ready for another so soon?", "that was really fast!", and those annoying looks of amused skepticsm from people as if to say "do you think you can handle it?" (which, thankfully, are not too common.)

you never really know how excited you are about something or how much you are looking forward to something until it's taken away from you. i wasn't quite sure what was going on until the tech stopped the ultrasound and told me to follow up with my o.b. later that day.

"is everything okay?" i ask.
"well, i'm not seeing a baby," she said.
what?!

she was so matter-of-fact. almost cold. so cold that i felt stupid and questioned whether or not i really was pregnant (which i had been). but then, is there really a good way to tell a mother and a father that they lost their baby? it was early, and it happens more often than anyone even knows...but, wow, i never thought it would happen to me. what's almost worse than losing the baby is knowing that i'd have to go through the physical symptoms of miscarriage, and the pregnancy symptoms don't go away right away either. every pain in my abdomen, every wave of nausea, every dizzy spell, and every time i don't have an appetite is a reminder of our baby. i came home from the ultrasound and hugged and hugged isaiah. it gets controversial when you think about life before birth. but this is what i know: there was life in me, and it died, and i grieve the loss of our baby the same way i grieved the loss of my dad.

but like i said before...God works everything out for the good. this is one of those things that He gives to us because He knows we can handle it and because He knows it will make us stronger. in His great plan for my life, it will have been a good thing that i've gone through this. [and there are so many things that we'll be able to do because of it (e.g., not missing a third snowboarding season in a row, an easier trip to the philippines, gene's wedding)]

last week i was in pennsylvania. out in the sticks. in the middle of nowhere. i couldn't even mapquest or google map or yahoo map the places i visited because these places were that far out in the middle of nowhere. i couldn't even get crossroads for these places from the people that *worked* there. anyway, i go to my first site, and the guy i'm supposed to meet is tied up, so could i wait for him in the lobby? sure. no problem, i'll just select one of the fine magazines you've left here for such an occasion. my choices: confederate veteran volume I. confederate veteran volume II. confederate veteran volume III. i take a glance outside: pick up truck, pick up truck with the confederate flag where the front license plate goes, pick up truck, another pick up truck with a confederate flag, and so on.

um, i'm in the north, right? i can't remember the last time i was worried that people were going to be really mean to me beause i'm asian. but i was worried. i was actually nervous. all that worry was for nothing, though. everyone was really nice in the sticks of PA...well except for this old lady at the mall near my hotel. she treated me like i was some weirdo. ah, the joys of business travel...

nba summer league is at the cox pavillion at unlv all until the end of next week. word on the street, you'll even get to see darko play. all of you going to vegas should check it out...