i'm recovering from a long, exhausting - yet very fun - weekend. we went to chicago. porta graduated from kellog with his mba and we wouldn't have missed it. so we went. my weekend started on thursday. but let's back up to wednesday and the 12 loads of laundry i did because it had been a week since i had done any laundry and we needed clean clothes to take on our trip. have you ever done 12 loads of laundry in one day? do you even have enough clothes to do that? by 11 p.m. i was just so tired of doing laundry. i was so tired, period. the kind of tired where you just want to whimper and cry and then hide under the bed covers for a very long time. it was that kind of day.

we left thursday and came back monday night. we stayed at the courtyard marriott river north. it was so great to be right by everything in downtown chicago. i kind of wish we had another day to really enjoy it. but our long weekend was jam packed celebrating porta's graduation, meeting new babies, visiting family and reconnecting with good friends we haven't seen in a long time. and as a super bonus...chrissy was in chicago at the same time! yay for time with dinner buddy!

the boys were unbelievably good. they endured long lunches, an extended dinner in a fancy italian restaurant, a graduation ceremony in an un-airconditioned arena, torrential rain and thunderstorms and one room for all six of us with great attitudes and good behavior. well, they got a little loud in the hotel room and made me a little crazy, but i can't really blame them for wanting to let loose a little. they weren't even being bad, just noisy. it was more me being impatient and not wanting our hotel neighbors to hate us.

we shouldn't have been able to go on this trip. we still don't know how our finances are shaking out now that we are officially on one income. it's expensive to stay in chicago...yet somehow, god makes everything work. we actually only ended up paying the whopping $48/day parking fee at the hotel. the room was paid for with marriott points, courtesy of eric's mom. i coinstarred our change and it ended up paying for our tickets to the field museum and then some. i feel so fortunate to have such good friends and to be able to spend time with them in their own city. with 4 kids, it's tough to travel and everyone ends up having to come to us. it was nice for once to be able to visit them instead. plus i love taking the boys to new places.

i'm still dog tired, but i have my coffee and that always helps. next trip: the soo in two weeks!

a year ago i was getting ready to staff my very last relay. i was constantly anxious and stressed about work and i just couldn't shake it off. it's such a good cause, but, man, the work just beats you down. it was like a dark cloud looming around my shoulders, engulfing my head and not letting me out. my poor family never got all of me when i was with them. i'd be home, but my head would be consumed with the latest work drama kicking my ass.

needless to say, i don't miss work. (g, you were right!) i miss the people, but i don't miss the work. i miss talking to adults every day, but i don't miss it more than i love being home with my boys. i remember when isaiah was born and getting so upset at the thought of missing any of his "firsts." what if he said his first word when i wasn't there? what if he laughed and i missed it? what if he crawled for the first time and i couldn't cheer for him? of course, working full time makes you miss a lot in your babies' lives. i missed isaiah's very first day of school because i was out of town at a conference. he only goes to school for the first time once! - and i missed it. guilty was something i felt a lot and never got used to.

but not anymore...it is a HUGE blessing that i get to be home with my boys and that - finally - they get all of me. i feel so lucky that i get to drop off isaiah and ethan at school and attend their class parties. i have time and energy to play with them at the park and help them with their homework. i'm thrilled that i get to make dinner (almost) every night and have a clean house waiting for eric when he comes home. life has sloooooowed down, and i cherish it. it's definitely not easier...cutting out one income has forced us to simplify and be humble. the fruits of that struggle have been that we see our priorities as they should be and *really* put our trust in God to provide for us. (and he always does!) as rewarding as my last job was, it pales in comparison to being able to give my boys the love and security that they need from me that i wasn't giving them before.

the last nine months have gone by fast. i'm ridiculously in love with my family and will never regret the decision to quit work and stay home.

two days ago, i attended the funeral for a baby girl. she was born with down's syndrome and a weak heart and the Lord decided that it was too much for her to keep fighting...He took that precious, precious life into His arms at just 5 days old.

i cannot express the pain and sadness that i felt as i watched her 10 brothers and sisters weep over her tiny white coffin. uncle, father and 2 brothers were the pall bearers. my heart broke a hundred times and then once more as i could only imagine the pain her parents were feeling was mine a thousandfold. four grandparents watched as their children buried their granddaughter. it's something you never wish would happen...and something you never think you'd witness or experience.

briana aubrey reece, we never got to meet, but you have made a footprint in my heart. you remind me how precious each life is and have allowed your parents to witness about the capacity of our hearts to grow and grow with love for our children, no matter how many, without compromising the love that already exists. you remind me to count the blessing that each child is that is conceived into this world. you remind me to never take for granted isaiah, ethan, owen and xavier. and you remind me that even in the darkest times, our Lord Jesus always shines through with his loving arms to comfort us and draw us near. thank you, sweet baby girl, and may you rest in peace with our Father in Heaven.

p90x. day 18. i don't think i've ever worked out daily for this long in my life. not even during the dancing days of college. i think by far yoga is my favorite...i can hardly do the balance poses, but it's still fun to try. it feels more like a dance than a workout. i don't even care that it's 90 minutes. (i'll do yoga over plyometrics any day.) regardless, the post-workout soreness feels good.

i just need to stay committed.

it's exciting. for the first time in a long time i'm committing to taking care of myself physically. now that i'm not pregnant, i want to be able to run around with my boys and keep up with them. who knows, maybe i'll even be soccer fit. also, my snowboard beckons me. i don't know when i'll get to ride, but i want it to be soon.