baby agustin #4 is now online!

can it be that it has taken me this long to blog about my tiniest boy? eric did a really good job with the details again, so you can always visit his blog for a re-cap if you haven't already.

i'm not gonna lie. i'm ti-red. (it deserved two syllables - i'm that tired.) but life is good. i couldn't ask for more. i'm finally home with my boys and giving them more face time. that face time is slowly turning into quality time, which is the best thing i think i can give them. and xavier i just a teeny tiny baby that i love so much. i like to hold his cheek up to mine and give him eskimo kisses. he has such a tiny nose! i've also forgotten how much i love the smell of newborn baby's breath!

by the way, i've turned 30. entering a new decade definitely feels different. i had a fantastic birthday. kimmie and eric really put a lot of effort into making this birthday special despite my lack of desire to even celebrate at all. kimmie decorated the house with the boys (who also made me birthday cookies, complete with their frosted handprints on them) and made sure that we had breakfast with my mom, tito lito and ryan before eric and i headed out to palak and rudhir's wedding. friends sang happy birthday to me before dinner (and i got flowers!) and was surprised with my boys showing up after dinner at the reception. they looked so cute..my own little boy band.

the surprises didn't end there. i came home from donna and jeff's baby shower the next day to a houseful of great friends and family. i was so surprised, i actually cried. it was a good way to usher in my 30s. thank you everyone!!!!

a presumably uneventful week has become somewhat eventful. i think i received the most phone calls yesterday (monday) than i have in one day in a while...all dear friends checking on the status of baby xavier's arrival. he's still en womb...doesn't seem like he's in any hurry at all to get out.

then there was this morning. tuesday, 7/28, xavier's estimated due date. got a call from the senior executive director at my office letting me know that my position was being eliminated.

wow.

i expected this, but didn't expect this. laid off. the words echo differently when you say them out loud. it's not at all devastating news to me and eric. in fact, it's a much better situation than we had originally prepared ourselves for. it just feels a little icky that i've been laid off...as if there were something i could have done to prevent it (which there wasn't), even though it wasn't even the plan for me to return to work anyway. i was telling eric that it hurts initially because the selfish/prideful part of me thinks that it's just nice to feel that you were important enough to be saved from elimination. it isn't even like that though, because the layoffs were based on the organization's need for the position and not at all on performance. anyway, i'm over it after shedding a couple tears. i really loved where i worked, but i love my family so much more. owen was so so sweet afterwards and cuddled with me for a good hour as if to say, "remember, mama. this is why you're choosing to stay home with us. these moments that we'll never get back." i squeezed him so tightly and thanked God for making His plan for me so clear and obvious.

so here i am. officially unemployed and just waiting for xavier to come. if he's born tomorrow (the 29th) then the whole family will be paired by birth dates. owen and eric were both born on the 28th. isaiah and ethan were both born on the 20th. that leaves me and xavier for the 29th. we'll see! eric is holding out for august 1st so that xavier will be the oldest kid on his soccer team. i would rather xavier come out asap!

ethan's birthday has come and gone. i got my wish and did not spend his birthday at the hospital giving birth to his new baby brother. i would have been so sad if i couldn't spend ethan's birthday with him. eric and i took just ethan to mcdonald's for lunch and then went to chuck e. cheese with the rest of the fam. he asked me this morning if it was still his birthday. when i told him no he asked if it could be his birthday again. i think he had a good 3rd birthday.

now isaiah, ethan, owen and i are just hanging out at home...waiting for xavier's arrival!

i'm not sure that i've ever done this...blog at work (at this job). it's definitely an indication of the change that is about to come. things are winding down...

this morning i had a hard time getting out of bed. i've been so exhausted. i could blame it on the fact that i'm in my 9th month of pregnancy, but the reality is that i've been staying up way too late. (darn, bejeweled blitz! i could play that game for hours.) i lay in bed, considered calling in sick and watched isaiah sleep. he usually makes his way into our bed around 7 a.m. only to sleep a little bit more next to me. eric and isaiah were both wearing blue shorts and were sleeping in the exact same position. what a funny pair of daddy and son. i can't believe how big isaiah is. my first baby. he's going to be 5 years old next month and will start kindergarten the month after that. where did the time go? i love him SO much and get sad that the years have gone by so fast.

i told myself that i need to remember this feeling - the feeling of being so overwhelmed by how much i love the boys and how very important it is to devote quality time and attention to each one of them. i want them to know how loved they are. i think they know that we love them, but, at least for me, i know that i have fallen short of really letting them know *how much* i love them. work is a big part of that. i'm looking forward to july 10. i just need to remember this feeling.

t-minus one month and 2 days...

i have a relay in three days. for whatever reason, i have not been overcome by a wave of anxiety and panic. it could be that i don't care...that's probably only a tiny bit true. i think it's more that i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

what do you name a 4th baby boy agustin????

if there was ever a time that i was getting my butt kicked, it was nothing compared to 2009.

we are six weeks into the new year, and i'm fried. physically, i can't find enough time in the day. emotionally, i can't divide myself into more pieces. the work-life balance is not so balanced. i'm feeling a lot of sadness because work pulls me away from eric and the boys a lot these days. i knew going to work at this organization that it would ask a lot of me, but we were prepared for that. with two kids, it wasn't asking too much. with three, it's a stretch (and it's hard!). with four...i don't know, man...

things are different. i would love to be that person that could do it all - have a great, challenging career that i love, have a great marriage, and raise four young children. but i'm realizing that you can't have it all - at least not with one or two of those things dropping. not as a woman, and not in my line of work. and i'm okay with that. i can't be that mom that misses huge chunks of her babies growing up because other people at/through work - people not as important to her as her own family - came first. i also can't be that wife that keeps asking her husband to cover for her part of the child rearing and is too exhausted to hang out or even have grown up conversations that don't revolve around child care.

if anyone ever figures out how to have it all, let me know.

one day, i will be able to leave work promptly at 5 p.m. (or earlier!) and not feel bad about leaving things unfinished. one day, i will work within 10 miles of my house. one day, i will be exhausted only because i spent the day running around the park with the boys. one day....soon?